I make no apologies for this post which I came across on Nathan Craner’s blog, albeit originally posted by one Vlad Bilanovsky. I assume it was the end of a bad week for him. A very bad week …

The Life of a Freight Forwarder

We are capable of calculating quotations for three major projects, making bookings for 5 different shipments and answering 12 totally unnecessary calls per hour, all simultaneously. We do not require sleep and are at your service 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. Our home numbers are your numbers.

We are responsible for production delays, traffic jams, and mechanical problems with trucks, aircraft and ships and depressed economic conditions overall. We are totally responsible for any lost or damaged freight and will personally replace it upon request.

We have powers which allow us to add unlimited weight and volume to and upon an already overloaded truck. We create miracles by loading unlimited weight and volume into airline/sea freight containers. Furthermore, we can always motivate drivers to be your free-of-charge temporary employees to help with loading and unloading.

Yesterday's delivery requirements with cargo loading today are regularly completed the day before yesterday, ten times a day, every day. We know that when you order a truck for loading on Monday that you really needed it on Saturday, but that you only want the overnight load delivered the following Wednesday. You want us to be at the office on weekends & public holidays to unload your goods at 2 am to ensure that your truck returns in time for your normal deliveries.

We are always friendly with a smile, have mastered telepathy, show empathy and gladly act as our customers' psychiatrists. We embrace the challenge when you cancel the space with the airline and one hour later expect the airline to hold the space for you just in case you require the capacity again, and do this daily.

We embrace the opportunity that you allow us to develop our negotiation skills with airline staff in securing capacity on already overbooked flight and allowing us to freely negotiate a cheap spot rate for the freight as well.

We speak all languages and know the location of even the smallest town anywhere in the world. We are able to obtain a freight rate inclusive of clearance and door delivery to the strangest of places at a moment's notice. At your request we can comply with any and all additional requirements your company may have. We also repair vehicles and computers.

Naturally, payment of our invoices is optional, and if your company has financial difficulties we will gladly advance unlimited funds for as long as you require them.

Our lives have been enriched by the endless opportunities that you have allowed us to experience.